18 things that irritate me now that I’m a mum

Being a mum is my favourite thing in all the world but there’s no doubt about it – there are things about motherhood that make me so CROSS. I spend a huge amount of time gazing adoringly at my baby: smiling with him, giggling with him, cheering him on when he farts or poops, chatting to him when he makes deliberate-sounding gurgles, zooming him through the air like an aeroplane.

But I also spend serious time being irritated that the world seems determined to interrupt my bliss. So I’ve written a list of all the things that irritate me as a new mother. Be prepared for some caps lock.

RAIN – Bloody rain! Do you know what’s harder than getting a baby out of a car seat and into a sling in the pissing rain? Trying to get a baby into a sling while sitting in the car. My favourite sling has long flappy straps and last week I struggled to get baby into sling in a rainy car park at Longleat while some twat tried to park in the tiny space next to mine. Cue slamming the sling tails in the car door, stepping in a puddle, and dropping the baby’s hat in the mud. All while the rain soaked both of us, leading to one of us howling in despair. BLOODY RAIN.

SUNSHINE – there’s nothing like getting a baby to sleep before the bastard sun comes out and blinds the poor bugger into full wakefulness. WHY. I have put sun shades up in the back seat and those stupid shafts of bright light still find a way to smack him in the face and wake him up. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO DRIVE WITH A SCREAMING BABY? Overcast days only please.

PARKING – nowhere has enough parent and child parking spaces and normal parking spaces are TOO SMALL for negotiating car seat / pram / sling / other impossibly expensive baby transport device. Sort your car parks out, town planners.

PEOPLE WHO STARE AS YOU BREASTFEED – self-explanatory really. I really don’t need 44 year old Derek from Norwich to get an eyeful of my left tit while I’m trying to artfully manoeuvre it into my son’s open bird mouth. Move along please.

PEOPLE WHO STARE WHEN YOUR BABY CRIES – babies cry, and yes, the noise is perfectly pitched to make your skull vibrate at an unbearable frequency. But if you think you’re irritated by the sound of the baby crying, spare a thought for its poor parent who’s probably feeling it an awful lot more than you are. It’s really hard when your child is crying and getting the evil eye from a stranger is just not needed.

PEOPLE IN GENERAL – this predated motherhood to be fair.

OUR CATS – oh my god, STOP TRYING TO CLIMB IN THE BABY’S PRAM you tiny feline bastards. My first month or so of motherhood saw me actively loathe my cats. They were a threat to my tiny perfect son. I now dimly recall my affection for them some of the time but largely I end up chasing them out of the nursery. They repeatedly try to sneak into the pram / sleepyhead / bouncer / baby swing / car seat to snooze. Cat feet are FILTHY. But they will NOT listen to me. We now coexist in a sort of cold war. Don’t worry, I still feed them and give them the odd cuddle when I’m feeling generous. And my husband is just as doting as pre-baby.

BABY SOCKS – the less said about these, the better.

CLOTHING THAT CAN’T BE TUMBLE DRIED – why even make baby clothes that can’t be tumble dried? Why do the makers of some of my favourite outfits (cough Zara cough) hate me so much? I have finally got a tumble dryer and yet somehow there are STILL tiny clothes hanging up on my radiators and airer doodah. Make everything tumble dryer friendly PLEASE and help me justify the cost of the dryer to my husband.

CAR SEATS – trying to get the car seat clicked into the isofix when it’s dark and your baby is knackered after swimming is impossible without lots of huffing and swearing, and that’s just the baby.

TROLLEYS THAT REQUIRE A POUND – I never have cash so I never have a pound for the trolley at Aldi. Unless I’ve attempted the car seat into sling combination, I’ve got no choice but to gradually break my arms trying to carry both baby in car seat and shopping basket around the shop. I’m not getting the bloody pram out if I only need a couple of small things. I know, I know, I need a trolley coin thing. But seriously, can’t they just do trolleys that don’t require a meaningless deposit of a single quid?

THE BLOODY PRAM – I actually really love my pram but it’s just a fraction too wide to smoothly get in and out of the house due to my weird shaped ground floor (not a euphemism though it may as well be since I recently gave birth to a 9lb baby). This means every time I come home with my son peacefully sleeping in the bassinet, he wakes up almost instantly upon arrival due to joggling and swearing and sweating.

ENDLESS ADVERTISING ON INSTAGRAM – oh man, those algorithms have got me sussed. I have limited funds on maternity leave and yet I frequently find myself wondering if I should buy my baby a soft foam ball pool in cool Scandi colours for £120. And if it’s not that, I’m looking into beauty subscriptions or breastfeeding accessories (NB – the only two accessories you really need for breastfeeding are permanently attached to you). MUST STOP SCROLLING DURING 5AM FEEDS.

DRESSING THE BABY FOR OUTSIDE – ok, it’s 5 degrees outside so is that cosy snuggle suit in the pram? Hang on, the shops are approximately 25 degrees, do I take him out of the suit in each shop? Should I just put him in a jumper and shove him in the sling with my babywearing coat? Now I’m sweating like a bastard around town but can’t take my coat off because he’ll get cold! What about hats? He won’t keep them on! Is a hood enough? His hands are freezing – does he have hypothermia? Aarrrrghhhh.

THE FACT THAT I SHOPPED SO MUCH DURING PREGNANCY – I thought I was being super organised while pregnant. I bought loads of sleepsuits, vests, outfits etc etc for 0-3, 3-6, and even a couple of 6 months plus. What I didn’t realise was that I was depriving future me (i.e. me now) from doing FUN BABY SHOPPING. Take heed – don’t buy too much in advance because when you’re on parental leave, you want real excuses reasons to buy more cute baby shit.

PEOPLE WHO HOG GIANT SOFAS IN CAFES – my favourite local cafe has some huge sofa areas at the bottom that are perfect for groups of parents with their babies. The cafe is super popular with local mums and there’s often more than one group of NCT pals there. It’s very unfair of me but when you need to breastfeed and there are two people sitting on a sofa area that seats seven, it’s easy to be irritated.

THE JUST-YOU-WAIT PARENTS – “Oh, you don’t know how easy you’ve got it! Just you wait until they’re teething / weaning / potty training / going to school / smoking pot / going to university!” I get that there will be challenges ahead but this is SUCH an annoying thing to say to a fellow parent whose kid is younger. Just let us get there, ok? Then be supportive, not smug.

THE LIE THAT BREASTFEEDING MAKES YOU LOSE WEIGHT – what do you mean I have to cut down on beige food and cake if that’s going to work?! I call BULLSHIT.

Fortunately, there is no balm quite so soothing as your baby pausing mid-feed to give you the biggest gummy grin in the world. I’m never very cross for long.